You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
