I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
