i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
