I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
