it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Be still, my beating vagina.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
