Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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