I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
