I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
