She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
