My liver just broke up with me...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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