Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
