If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
