There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
