He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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