good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
