One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
