The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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