Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
