I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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