3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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