Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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