my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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