i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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