I need help removing her.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
