Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
