He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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