My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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