At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
