i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
