hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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