I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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