does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
