just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
