I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dear god my vagina.
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