My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
