you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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