when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
