I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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