Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
