So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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