Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
