Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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