Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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