The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
