sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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