I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
