hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I had to cum in my sink.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize