you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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