wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
