Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
