Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
