Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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