Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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