Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Randomize
