He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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