Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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